Time to yourself is non existent. The time you get to yourself is in the bathroom during your shower. But then, that’s not peaceful because your getting knocks on the door with “Mom can I get a peanut butter sandwich?” I roll my eyes and reply, “when I get out”. Followed by another knock from my other child asking me what I am doing? Before I continue, please don’t take this as a complaint, or me whining. I huff with frustration, speed up my shower and immediately get annoyed. But those days are long gone as of a month ago. Before I go in the bathroom, I make sure the boys are fed, their favorite show is on, and all the questions you can think of them asking has already been answer. Then I threaten them with the “if any of you knock on mommy’s bathroom door while I am in the shower, I will not take you to the pool AND you can say good bye to your favorite ninja turtle. (Said in my most aggressive stern voice) I say other things, but I am pretty sure you get my point.
What about the supermarket run? “Don’t ask me for candy, or any other treat for that matter. Don’t try to make me change my mind, and don’t you dare run down the aisle. This is not a playground. This is where we buy our food! Now Hold my hands. And when we walk inside you keep your hands on the cart.”Do you think they remembered any of this? HECK NO! My blood is boiling, my shoulders are tense and I’ve just about had it. The cart became their play ground and walking in front of people who are walking in the opposite direction become translucent to them and I’m left snatching them before a run in happens. I’ve just about had it. I can’t drop them off at their fathers house because he lives in another state. Even when we lived in NYC, that wasn’t an option. I live in a place where I have family but no support. I do everything by myself. I get them ready and myself ready every morning. I cook dinner lunch, help with homework. I work from home, and that consists of time related work. Prayer keeps me, but days like today, prayer was not something I wanted to do. I’m sick of being sick and tired. What did I do ? What am I missing? Why is it so hard? Like what the (bleep) I am sure I will calm down by tomorrow. But days like this, I sit in my room or my closet and just sit in silence. It’s a lot of work the job that we have. You are always needed. You are pulled in different directions. Son #1 and Son #2. Full time work, and then there you. But you get the left overs. The little energy to paint your toe nails never happens. The little time to clean your bathroom and fix it up all nice. Even your hair. Becomes easy styles. In and out. The little energy to encourage someone, or feel loved isn’t there but you do a little something anyway. You are always needed for love and affection and a shoulder to cry on. But whose shoulder do you have?
I use to think being excited when your kids were at school or camp was a bad thing. It isn’t. You are human, you need your time too. If you aren’t right, your children aren’t right.